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Young Elizabeth:
Dum dee doo, dum dee doo...foreshadowing foreshadowing foreshadowing... |
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Sailor:
Time for a stupid nautical supersition! |
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Young Elizabeth:
*SIGH*...okay. |
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Sailor:
Ahem, talkin' about pirates is a bad omen. *COUGHforeshadowingCOUGH* |
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Young Elizabeth:
Hey look, a dirty boy on a raft! Can we pick him up? Can we? Can we? |
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Young Will:
*SPLAT* COUGHWHEEZECHOKE |
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Governor Swann:
I leave you, my 12-year-old daughter with no medical experience, to care for the half-dead boy. |
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Young Elizabeth:
Great! |
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Young Will:
COUGHSPLUTTERGURGLE |
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Young Elizabeth:
I will now stare at you ineffectually. |
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Young Will:
..... |
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Young Elizabeth:
Ooh, gold... Well, you're already sick, orphaned, and alone; might as well be poor too. *YANK* |
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Young Will:
..... |
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Young Elizabeth:
Skull and crossbones, that's nonthreatening... |
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Disney Writers:
For the sake of somehow forwarding the plot, we're going to skip the next eight years. |
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- POTC - |
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Will:
SIGH. I'm too pretty to be poor... |
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Candelabra:
*SNAP* |
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Will:
...And too clumsy to be useful. |
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Elizabeth:
I will now wow you with my beautiful dress. Feel free to grovel miserably. |
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Will:
..... |
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Elizabeth:
Stop drooling on my shoe. |
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Will:
Oh, umm, here's your sword, Governor Swann. Let me do a flashy trick in order to impress your daughter. |
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Governor Swann:
Why, YOUR MASTER did a fine job, didn't he Will? |
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Will:
Yes. *TWITCH TWITCH* |
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Governor Swann:
I'm as vacant as a motel run by Norman Bates! |
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Elizabeth:
We'd better get going. We need to give the Commodore his sword. |
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Governor Swann:
'Kay. |
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Elizabeth:
Bye Will! |
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Will:
*DROOL* |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
I pretty much run this whole movie. |
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Soldiers:
We're even dumber than Governor Swann! Wait, umm, you can't enter! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Why not? |
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Soliders:
Um... |
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Jack Sparrow:
Could you hurry up? I have looting and plundering to do. |
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Soldiers:
We will now hopelessly confuse ourselves to the point where you can walk away unnoticed. |
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- POTC - |
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Governor Swann:
Ahem. Commodore, for your great achievements in my service, the highlights of which being really pompous hair, I present you with this sword. |
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Commodore:
Why thank you, but a jumbo tub of wig powder would've sufficed. I'm going to go flirt with your daughter now. |
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Elizabeth:
*WHEEZEGASP* |
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Commodore:
Pompous rambling... |
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Elizabeth:
*WHEEEEEEZE* |
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Commodore:
Are you alright? |
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Elizabeth:
I'm being smothered by the lame corset jokes. |
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Commodore:
Oh. |
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Elizabeth:
*SPLASH* |
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Jack Sparrow:
Me to the rescue! |
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Elizabeth:
I'm suddenly okay, in spite of my 60-foot drop into extremely shallow and rocky water! |
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Commodore:
Jack Sparrow, we will now kill you for your heroic efforts. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Why? |
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Commodore:
Because...your hair isn't pompous enough. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Well, give me my gun back first. |
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Commodore:
No! So nyeah! |
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Jack Sparrow:
That's okay, I'll just use my knife and handcuff chain to kidnap Elizabeth. |
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Commodore:
Crap. |
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Governor Swann:
Do something! I'm grossly ineffectual! |
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Commodore:
Fine, fine. Give us the girl and you can go. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Oh boy! Time for one of the 23 scenes in which I swing from ropes! |
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- POTC - |
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Will:
'Blacksmith' just isn't a catchy sign. Maybe we should call this place 'Will's House-O-Extraneous Plot Device Swords'. What do you think, master? |
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Blacksmith:
Hiccup. |
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Will:
Yeah, I think you're in a drunken stupor too. |
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Jack Sparrow:
As if you weren't depressed enough, I'm here to murder you! |
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Will:
No you aren't! I have exactly 16,000 swords! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Well, could you just cut off these handcuffs then? |
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Will:
No! We're going to have a well-choreographed sword-clashing fight scene! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Oh crap! Am I in Lord of the Rings? |
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Will:
No...I would have blonde hair, then. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Oh right. SLASHSTABSLASH |
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Will:
SLASHSWISHSTABITTYSTAB |
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Jack Sparrow:
This is getting old... |
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Will:
No wait, I have to keep you here until the soldiers arrive! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Fine, fine. SLASHSWISHSTAB |
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Blacksmith:
Hiccup. Wee Jack, I sho is drunk and dizzy. *SMASH* |
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 |
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Omnipotent Guest Author:
Works in this movie, too! (Thanx to the author of Titanic!) |
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Will:
They should have named this town Port Ineffectual. |
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Soldiers:
In the tradition of our governor, we will now fail to give you any credit and praise this drunk old man. |
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Will:
I'm gonna go bang my head against a wall now. |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
It's time to make blatant references to the theme park ride! Heeeeeeeere doggy doggy! |
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Dog:
*BLINK* |
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Jack Sparrow:
Well, maybe I can find something on the cell floor to braid into my hair... |
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- POTC - |
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Elizabeth:
To make sure I call the undead pirates here, I will now take this necklace out of the drawer and wave it around the window. |
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Barbarosa:
Arrr! Time to plunder and kill and use lots of cliche pirate slang my undead mateys! |
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Pirates:
Arrr! Man the mizzen mast! Yo-ho-ho! Davey Jones' Locker! Walk the plank! Raise the- |
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Barbarosa:
That's enough! Save some for later! |
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- POTC - |
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Soldiers:
Governor! The Black Pearl is here to kidnap your daughter! |
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Governor Swann:
What?!?! Um...plan of attack...you guys go out in an unorganized and pitiful manner. I'll stay here, cower in a corner, and sob. |
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Pirates:
PLUNDERKILLLOOTPLUNDER |
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Townspeople:
*DIE* |
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Elizabeth:
Okay...I'll hide in the closet...right... |
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Pirate #1:
Come out my...umm, what's a good slightly-perverse-sounding British nickname? |
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Pirate #2:
Elizabethy-bethy-boo-boo-boo? |
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Pirate #1:
Did I say nauseating? |
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Pirate #2:
How about poppet? |
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Pirate #1:
Perfect! Come out my poppet! |
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Gold:
Come to me... |
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Gollum:
Preciousssssss... |
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Pirate #1:
Who are you? |
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Gollum:
Oh sorry, wrong piece of coveted jewelry. |
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Pirates:
SCUFFLESCUFFLEKIDNAP |
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Elizabeth:
Pirate jewelry sucks. |
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- POTC - |
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Barbarosa:
Ye have the necklace, arrr. |
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Elizabeth:
And I stole it fair and square, so back off. |
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Barbarosa:
Give me the necklace. |
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Elizabeth:
*SHUDDER* Okay. Now let me go home. |
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Barbarosa:
Umm...what's your name? |
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Elizabeth:
Must...choose...most...unfortunate...name...possible...
Elizabeth Turner. |
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Barbarosa:
Yes! I mean no, you can't go home now. Muahahahahaa. |
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Elizabeth:
Knew I should've picked Elizabeth Jones... |
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- POTC - |
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Will:
The way I see it, if I keep trying, I'll have to succeed at something eventually. |
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Disney Writers:
Don't count on it anytime soon. |
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Will:
Maybe if I recruit a reviled and bloodthirthy criminal, I can save Elizabeth...hey Capt. Jack Sparrow, can you help me? |
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Jack Sparrow:
I can make extravagant hand gestures and yell seemingly meaningless, foreshadowing-laden words! |
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Will:
Like what? |
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Jack Sparrow:
BOOSTRAP! |
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Will:
Must be pirate lingo...umm...SHIRTSLEEVE! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Huh? |
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Will:
Umm...necktie! |
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Jack Sparrow:
What are you talking about? |
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Will:
Umm...er...shoelace? |
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Jack Sparrow:
Just unlock the door, you twit! |
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Will:
Finally! My boundless knowledge of metal will come in handy! |
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 |
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Door:
CLANK. |
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Jack Sparrow:
So what's your name, anyway? |
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Will:
Will Turner. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Sweet...we'll call you "Bait Bill." |
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Will:
I get a pirate nickname? Cool! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Heh heh, yeah. Okay, time to go into this tavern so you can overhear an important conversation. |
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Will:
Then what? |
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Jack Sparrow:
Well, first we have to begin the running Jack-gets-slapped-in-the-face-joke. Then we'll assemble a ragtag crew, cleverly steal a British Royal navy ship, and rescue Elizabeth. |
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Will:
That doesn't sound very plausible. |
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Jack Sparrow:
That's because it isn't. But, it will allow for gratuitous pirate action, and then all the reviewers will be forced to use the word "swashbuckling" in their articles. |
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Will:
Oh, okay. |
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Crew:
Arrr! SQUAWK! SLAP! |
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Jack Sparrow:
I hate this joke already... |
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Disney Writers:
Yeah, but it's better than the corset one. |
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Soldiers:
We will now fall into Jack's plan to steal the ship like the simpletons we are. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Eat my salt spray, limeys! |
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Commodore:
Must we chase them? The salt air is so bad for my pompous hair. |
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- POTC - |
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 |
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Sailor:
C'mere, matey. |
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Will:
What? |
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Sailor:
Capt Jack blahblah stranded on island blahblah dull backstory wants to get the Black Pearl blahblahblah. |
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Will:
ZZZZZZZZZ |
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Sailor:
And he's crazy 'cause the sun fried his brain. |
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Will:
Should that be news to me? |
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Jack Sparrow:
GLOWERSTARE |
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Sailor:
Eep! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Time for more backstory, Will! |
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Will:
Nooooooooooo |
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Jack Sparrow:
Your dad pirate blahblah bootstrap bill blahblah follow in footsteps blahblah. |
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Will:
No! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Yes! |
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Will:
No! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Yes! |
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Will:
Oh...okay. I'll go mope and be pretty now. |
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- POTC - |
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Barbarosa:
Guess what, poppet? It's time for more explanatory backstory! |
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Elizabeth:
We've covered, like, the entire history of civilization. How can there be more? |
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Barbarosa:
Like this! Aztec gold blahblah ancient curse blahblah all gathered up blahblah you have the last piece blahblah human sacrifice blahblah use your blood to break the curse blahblahblah. |
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Elizabeth:
*SNORE* |
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Barbarosa:
I said...USE YOUR BLOOD TO BREAK THE CURSE. |
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Elizabeth:
Crap. |
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Barbarosa:
Oh look! The island that nobody can find unless they've already been there! |
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Elizabeth:
That's incredibly flawed somehow, but I really, really don't want to hear any more backstory. |
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Barbarosa:
Okay mateys, we will now use her blood to come back to life! *PRICK* |
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Pirates:
Arrr!!! |
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Barbarosa:
It didn't work, you morons. |
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Pirates:
Arrr.... |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
Okay, time to save Elizabeth. DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH. |
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Will:
So, I should burst out randomly in a vain attempt to rescue Elizabeth that will result in our eventual capture? |
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Jack Sparrow:
I feel you've missed the point. |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
Well Elizabeth, since you're trusting me to get you off this island we got dumped on, I may as well admit I'm powerless to do so. |
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Elizabeth:
Okay, we'll just get get drunk off this huge stash of alcohol instead. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Good idea. |
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Elizabeth:
Weee Jack, I sho is drunk an' dizzy! |
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Omnipotent Guest Author:
Couldn't help myself. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Why do people keep saying that to me? Umm, that's okay, you just lean on me. |
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Elizabeth:
You know what, Jack? |
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Jack Sparrow:
What's that? |
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Elizabeth:
Even alcohol doesn't make you attractive. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Stupid dreadlocks. |
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Elizabeth:
Anyway, don't worry...we'll get off the island. Will's going to save us somehow. |
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Jack Sparrow:
..... |
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Elizabeth:
We're gonna die here, aren't we? |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
Good thing you thought to burn all of that conveniently-placed alcohol. We're rescued! |
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Elizabeth:
Yeah! Now you and I will go off on another ill-fated voyage in order to save Will. But first, I'll agree to marry Commodore Pompous Hair for reasons later to be forgotten. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Whatever. I'm gonna go work on my bizarre hand gestures. |
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- POTC - |
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Commodore:
Here we are at the island no one can find. |
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 |
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Fans:
Then how did you find it? |
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Commodore:
Wait, are you implying that the plot makes sense? |
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Jack Sparrow:
Okay, here's my elaborate plan. It should work as long as Will DOESN'T DO ANYTHING DRASTIC. |
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Fans:
You're all screwed. |
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- POTC - |
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Jack Sparrow:
Okay, big climax. Time to switch from good to evil multiple times! Heh heh, get out there, Will! |
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Barbarosa:
Arrr... |
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Will:
I'm beginning to think "Bait Bill" is a sucky nickname. |
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Elizabeth:
I'll save you! |
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Disney Writer:
Meanwhile, a huge battle between the British navy and the undead pirates rages. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Guess what? I'm undead too! |
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Barbarosa:
Okay! Let's fight pointlessly in order to allow for lots of cool skeleton CGI! |
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British navy:
BOOM |
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Pirates:
CLANGSTABSLASH |
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Will:
Oops, paper cut. |
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Curse:
*BROKEN* |
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Barbarosa:
Nyeah nyeah, you wasted your last shot, Jack. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Look down, matey. |
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Barbarosa:
Arrr.... |
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Will:
What killed him, the bullet or the irony? |
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- POTC - |
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Will:
Hey, a big crowd. Wonder what's going on...oh, it's Jack getting hanged. How sad...on the bright side, I've acquired a cool cape and jaunty hat. |
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Jack Sparrow:
Umm...help? |
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Will:
Oh good, another chance to use my mad sword-throwing skills! |
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Jack Sparrow:
GURGLEWHEEZE |
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Will:
Oh. SLASH |
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Jack Sparrow:
Great, my only two remaining brain cells have died from oxygen loss. |
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Will:
Time for a flashy escape scene! |
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Jack Sparrow:
Remember this as the day you almost escaped my repetitive jokes! *SPLASH* |
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Commodore:
Not again... |
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Jack Sparrow:
Note to self: work on sucky exits. |
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Commodore:
I've been ruthlessly pursuing him for months! Oh well... |
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- POTC - |
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Elizabeth:
All's well that ends well! |
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Will:
Wait, you're still engaged to the Commodore for reasons I can't remember. |
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Elizabeth:
But this is a Disney movie. Everyone knows we'll end up together. |
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Will:
Okay. SMOOCHY |
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Governor Swann:
Elizabeth? You picked a blacksmith? |
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Elizabeth:
No! Of course not! I picked a pirate! |
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Governor Swann:
Okay...*TWITCH TWITCH* |
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Fans:
Arrr, when be the sequel, matey? |
